If you are anything like me, the current date is always a mystery to you. Monday? Tuesday? Wednesday? Who knows! According to your sense of time, it is still September 1st, and you had no idea this 'holiday' was right around the corner. 

It always seems as though, to me, that they pick the date for Valentine’s Day at random (like Easter!). Perhaps it's because they are both Christian holidays exploited by commercial capitalism? Except, for this holiday, you get to buy your partner’s love on top of it! This list is for all you people out there who, like me, happily forgot Valentine's Day was a thing (but have been unable to escape buying into the exploitative capitalist machinations). I present to you fourteen ideas for a last-minute present:

1. Love Lingual Card Game ($24.95)

Make 2022 the year of stellar communication with this card game! Featuring 150 conversation starters because don’t we all hate the uncomfortable silence while you lay in your bed with your partner, and you both just play on your phones?

2. Fortune & Fame Lockets ($58.99)

These lockets open up to reveal a fortune cookie-sized message inside; you can write personalized little love notes or fortunes for your special someone. They even have tips on how to write meaningful love notes if you are emotionally unaware like me!

3. Lego Flower Bouquet ($36.99)

Is your love eternal? Buy these flowers that will live as long as your love does! (...Or until you eventually break up and donate them to the local Goodwill...)

4. Indoor Smores Maker ($24.99)

Marshmallows are one of a handful of things that only taste good when burnt to a crisp. This tabletop indoor smores maker is a game-changer, allowing you to burn things with your significant other (without harming your relationship!).

5.  Squishmallows ($19.99)

If your significant other was that kid with a little too many stuffed animals, this gift is perfect for them! They are the new Beanie Babies, but bigger and uglier!

6.  All-In-One Hot Dog Toaster ($24.99)

Do you mean to tell me that your special someone is a hot dog lover and/or just a fan of unique and vaguely useful kitchen appliances? Well then, this toaster is sure to please.  

7. Rose Quartz Gua Sha Facial Tool ($35.00)

If you want your partner to be Sydney Sweeney (Cassie) in Euphoria and wake up every morning at 4:00 a.m. to get ready in hopes of catching your intention during the day for you to fall in love with them, this is just the start, Nate. 

8. One Pound of Cereal Marshmallows ($10.99)

A promising review claims that it is “twice the size” of their head. Hopefully, this will help your partner with childhood trauma.

9. Tarot Seed Packets ($6.95)

This queer, woman, family-owned business is perfect for college students with baby fever. Try co-parenting with your partner at this level so that your offspring don't end up depressed 22-year-olds, in thousands of dollars of debt, and attending your alma mater.

10. The Unofficial Disney Parks Cookbook ($11.99)

I am sorry that your partner is a Disney adult and makes you dress in a Lumiere and Cogsworth couple’s outfit. Get them this cookbook for Valentine's Day, and maybe you can finally have a movie night that doesn't include the latest offering on Disney+.

11. Vinyl Record Coasters ($16.99)

These coasters come complete with recreations of iconic albums from Pink Floyd to Elton John to the Beatles. A promising review says that it gives their coffee table “the extra ZING it needed.” Clearly, you are adding no ZING to the relationship these days, so you might as well buy it.

12. Custom Stickers ($15.99)

All you have to do is hit the “Customize Now” button and then upload a well-lit picture. Avoid the temptation of sending unsolicited photos and instead try the Queen of England, Harry Styles, or your partner’s favorite TikToker. Just imagine Brittany Broski’s face on a sticker. Classic!

13. Adventure Book ($15.99)

Create your own Adventure Book, just like the one Carl and Ellie created in Up! This gift is infallible because even the most stone-cold Disney-hater loves that movie. Tell me I'm wrong. I dare you.

14. Dinosaur Crochet Kit ($30.00)

Has your partner given up working in STEM because it is not as progressive as they once thought, and they now dream of being a stay-at-home parent? I know how they are going to pass the time while you wait for fictional financial stability before having offspring—with this DIY crochet dinosaur kit, of course!

Sarah Thompson

I am a senior at Centenary, Class of 2022, acquiring dual degrees: a B.S. in Biology and a B.A. in English. Over the past 4 years, I have gotten involved in too many organizations and honors societies to list without forgetting at least one. In the Congo, I serve as our resident grammar nerd and Copy Editor. I am an advocate of proper semicolons usage, and I read far too much poetry and Virginia Woolf.

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