Well, DPS has miraculously done it again! The sorority sister who was reported missing at the Chi Omega formal--after allegedly leaving to move her car--has been found in stable condition. A relief, to be sure. But even more miraculous is the claim made by said sister about her alleged location! 

And where does she claim to have been for the past two weeks? Why, none other than at the dance, but in a parallel universe! The sister declined an official interview on the grounds of “literally having just come back from another freaking world, and that’s a lot.” The sister, however, did proceed to ramble on about her travels. So, we cobbled this together for your reading pleasure. 

SO, what is it like in this other world? Apparently, at the time of the dimension hop, an alternate version of the Chi Omega formal was in the process of occurring, called the Chmega Oi formal. It is reported that, while strange enough, these sisters seemed to be sentient mannequins who “didn’t talk, I mean they talked, but no one moved their mouths." 

The mannequin sisters of this Chmega Oi sorority were reported to be "very genuinely cool about the whole situation, if weirdly non-plussed like this was a normal occurrence." 

The dance floor--while allegedly “pretty big actually, like they used the space really nicely"--was said to be covered in a thin layer of semi-sticky glitter gloss. The venue itself was practically identical, just at a slight angle, making the sticky floor seem a little more practical in hindsight. The décor, in a strange reflection of the Casino Night theme going on in our world, was themed to match an alternate version of our Vegas Sin City, otherwise known as Greendale, Indiana, in their world.

“It was all very suburban, but they were vibing with it!"

When asked how the sister stayed sane, she reported: “Oh like, it was wild, but they had a full buffet and some Cardi B playing in reverse...So, it definitely wasn’t the worst dance I’ve ever been to.” We clarified and asked how she stayed sane AFTER the events of the dance. She said, “Oh, well, time flies when you’re having fun, right? Honestly, I poofed back to the parking lot right once everything started shutting down over there. So, I figure that their time is just like 8-10 hours off?” 

We then broke the news that it had, in fact, been two whole weeks since the dance in our universe, at which point the sister went off into an explicit rant of disbelief, further agitated when she was told that she did not miss finals and would still probably be expected to take them. All in all, the sister's story is a harrowing tale of sinful suburbias, bad Cardi B, and misfortunate timing.

As far as the parking lot goes, Chief Eddie is personally investigating alongside local authorities to try and find the portal point where the sister might have fallen through. What this means for the scientific or panhellenic community is yet to be known. However, if the Olive Garden-style breadsticks found stuffed in the sister’s purse are any indication, there might be hope, at least, for future party planning collaborations.

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