Leaked CRAB Document Reveals Existence of "Evil Skeeter"
The staff of the Conglomerate have recently come into possession of a leaked document that appears to come directly from the desks of CRAB, the Committee to Renovate And Beautify. While CRAB is best known for its bespoke campus renovations, the development of Centenary Film Studios, and our state of the art Simulated College Experience, this document implies more sinister machinations at work. While the Conglomerate cannot confirm the veracity of this document, we believe our readers deserve to be presented with all the evidence. If you or a loved one have recently encountered Evil Skeeter, or have noticed an increase of mold and sludge in the areas you like to frequent, please reach out to our investigative journalism team by emailing IGotSkeeted@centenary.edu.
***INTERNAL CRAB DOCUMENT - NOT FOR PUBLIC RELEASE - AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY***
ATTN: C***** H*****, “President” of Centenary College
FROM: J***** H*****, CRAB Chairperson, Shadow President of Centenary College
COPYING: R***** J*****, CRAB Vice Chair
J***** H*****, CRAB Treasurer
B***** J*****, CRAB Secretary
M***** B*****, CRAB Board Member
C***** M*****, CRAB Board Member
Comrade C***** H*****,
The members of CRAB regret to inform you that an Incident transpired one week ago, on the evening of the demolition of Hamilton Hall, and is ongoing. DPS were not and should not be notified. We recognize the potential impact to Centenary’s campus community, and hope that our transparency on the matter will reassure you that CRAB is doing everything possible to ensure campus life remains undisturbed. CRAB has voted unanimously to approve a Mitigation Strategy, detailed in this report which has already been set into motion. This Strategy has a 67% chance of success with minimal casualties and/or collateral damage. In the meantime, we are counting on you to ensure that Centenary’s “administration” and “government” remain blissfully ignorant of our current predicament.
Sideways, Centenary!
J***** H*****
CRAB Chairperson
Shadow President of Centenary College
INCIDENT REPORT
CATEGORY: MALEVOLENT BEAST
ANTICIPATED IMPACT: HIGH
MITIGATION STATUS: ONGOING
LOCATION: Hamilton Memorial Pool
DATE: Wednesday *** ** 202* (“Wet Beast Wednesday”)
INCIDENT DETAILS:
At 2:03 AM on the night following the beginning of the Great Poolification of Hamilton Hall, DPS received reports of what appeared to be a large, unrestrained dog near the gaping pit that was once the Hamilton basement. Per protocol, the CRAB member on call (Comrade B***** J*****) was dispatched to assess the situation. Comrade B***** J***** reported that the “dog” in question appeared at first glance to be a typical, Skeeter-type Catahoula with heterochromatic eyes and a ragged maroon bandanna around its neck. The beast, however, was noted to have an impossibly long, serpentine body, six legs, and jagged fangs. Comrade B***** J***** attempted to secure the Beast, but it slithered out of her grasp. She was, however able to obtain a sample of its fur before returning to headquarters to make a report and obtain reinforcements.
At 2:46 AM, DPS asked for an update, and were informed that the situation was outside of their jurisdiction. All further calls have been ignored.
The following day, the samples of fur were passed on to a Comrade S***** C***** in Mickle 2 for analysis. Comrade S***** C***** reported that the Beast appeared to be both fungal and textile in nature. He suggested that the most likely hypothesis for the Beast’s origin was the combination of an abandoned Skeeter mascot suit with the primordial ooze found in the oft-flooded basement of the Hamilton Hall. Due to the beast’s aquatic proclivities, Comrade S***** C***** warned that should the beast gain access to the Hamilton Memorial Pool, which is scheduled to be filled in less than a month, it could become infinitely powerful. The number of legs, he cautioned, could approach infinity.
With regard to the Beast’s potential weaknesses, Comrade S***** C***** suggested electricity, the opposite of water. For his silence, Comrade S***** C***** has been offered honorary CRAB board membership, and threatened with loss of tenure should his loyalty waver.
In the following days, many students reported seeing a loose dog on campus, but none for so long or from so close as to remark upon the Beast’s abnormalities. It quickly became clear to CRAB that the beast appeared to be stalking students for reasons that are at this time unknown, but are likely malicious. While the Beast itself is rarely spotted, the increased presence of mold and slime in areas students frequently visit (residence halls, class buildings, and recreational spaces) suggests the Beast’s continued presence.
MITIGATION STRATEGY:
As a diversion, CRAB released one standard, non-bestial Catahoula onto campus the Saturday immediately following Wet Beast Wednesday. Students have already begun to attribute all Beast sightings to this harmless creature, which they have dubbed “Skeeter 2.”
CRAB initially resolved to buy “some kind of lightning gun” to neutralize the Beast. Treasurer J***** H***** sadly informed the board, however, that CRAB’s credit card remains maxed out after the expenditures made for this year’s Snowpocaversary Celebration. As such, the Board lacks any means of financing any of the options that appeared after googling “Mega Taser.” Comrade J***** H***** (Treasurer) then suggested asking Facilities to borrow “as many extension cords as possible,” but was reminded by Comrade J***** H***** (Chair) that after the great Arboretum Parking Lot Incident, Facilities is known to CRAB as a hostile entity.
Comrade M***** B***** then suggested going about it “the old-fashioned way,” and luring the Beast into a spot where it would be likely to be stuck by lightning. The top of the bell tower was quickly selected as the ideal location for such a plot. The question quickly, though, arose of how to get the Beast to the top of the bell tower, noting that since the night of its emergence the Beast has not become any less slippery.
Comrade C***** M*****, the Board’s resident color theory expert, suggested that the Beast’s one blue eye might be drawn to the color orange, it’s complement, the same way that a bull is drawn to the color red. The board resolved that the most effective way of luring the beast onto the bell tower would be to cover Magale Library in orange arrows and the word “up!,” so as to direct the Beast’s path towards the tower.
It was then noted that while the orange signage is likely to direct the beast up! once it reaches the library, it does nothing to attract the beast to the library. Certain members of the board suggested placing the signage across campus, but others objected, saying it was “just a bit tacky.”
Comrade M***** B***** was the only one brave enough to suggest the only logical solution: since the Beast is known to be drawn to places where students congregate, the library must be filled with them. Ideally, he added, the bait-students should be situated as close to the top of the library as possible. The attic would be preferable, but the second floor would suffice.
While nobody was excited by this prospect, the board did elect to go forward with it after resolving to take out a $1 life insurance policy on every student who’s ever set foot in the library. With a once-in-a-century thunderstorm forecast for the second Monday following Wet Beast Wednesday, the only hurdle that remained was how deciding how to institute these procedures without drawing suspicion from the broader campus community.
To coordinate all aspects of the mitigation Strategy, Comrade R***** J***** was called on to leverage her cover-position as Director for the C***** for T***** and L*****. Luckily, “Beast-Bait Orange” is already a color found in Centenary’s brand guide, and can be deployed without arousing suspicion. Starting tomorrow, Magale Library will be covered in the color orange, directional arrows, and the word “up!.” Students will be lured on to the second floor with promises of “increased literacy and learning.” The Board is confident that we will be able to aid in the promotion of the Strategy under this pretense without arising any suspicion, given our cover-positions as Professors of E*****.
