The Real Scoop on the Freshman Who (Allegedly) Perished in the Tunnel
Photo by Phoebe Cragon
Following the flooding of the Crumley Garden Professorial Offices due to the malfunction of a snow machine on the set of Snow-pocalypse Gone Wrong, the campus community applauded CRAB’s wise decision to renovate the tunnel between Mickle I and the library into the new Steve Shelburne Memorial Department of Ancient and Modern Languages. The plan called for a complete transformation of the dank, dim space into a wing of offices for those who once resided on the third floor of the Jackson Welcome Center. Progress ground to a halt, however, when a cracked phone bearing a “Class of 2025” sticker was found deep in the bowels of the tunnel. While many were quick to assume that this find must be in some way connected to the tragic disappearance of a freshman three weeks ago, Chief Lifeguard Chris Holoman was quick to assure the campus community that there was no sign of foul play. The following voice memos recovered from the phone, released exclusively to The Conglomerate, tell a different story. We present transcriptions of these memos in their entirety in the hopes that our readers will be able to draw their own conclusions.
2:17 pm
[rustling]
2025: Is this recording? I think… yeah. Okay. Hey, guys. I wanted to take a video… you know, like, make a cute little vlog? But it’s way too dark in here. I can’t see more than six feet in front of me. It’s… honestly a little creepy? That upperclassman told me this was a shortcut, but I’ve been walking for a while now and I don’t even know where I was. Like, when I first came out Mickle I, I thought I could see the Library door in the distance. But then there was a rat and I kinda panicked and… it’s not important.
[pause]
2025: Anyway, when I climbed back down off the roof of that golf cart, I completely lost my bearings. I have no idea where I am. There’s just tunnel in front of me and tunnel behind me, reaching out indefinitely into the darkness.
[uneasy laugh]
2025: But that’s crazy, right? Like, Centenary doesn’t have the resources to build an infinite tunnel. I just got a little turned around, is all. So I figured I’d vlog this silly goofy experience and y’all can all laugh at me when I get out. I just hope it doesn’t take too long. I have, like, 5 cantos of Inferno to read and we’re supposed to be starting House of Leaves in 383. I don’t have time to LARP Maze Runner.
2:34 pm:
2025: Hey guys. So I’ve been walking for a little while longer, and, uhh… I still don’t know where I am. I have to admit that it’s a little spooky. It smells really bad down here, like cigarette smoke and mildew. And I keep stepping in puddles, so now my socks are wet. And my legs are getting kinda tired.
2:36pm:
2025: If CRAB, like… I don’t know. Find this phone three weeks from now, clutched in my cold, dead hand, and these voice memos are the last record of my existence… Tell my mom I love her, I guess? Hahaha! Ha. Ha.
2:37 pm:
2025: For legal reasons, that was a joke.
2:48 pm:
2025: I think I just saw something? A flicker of movement out of the corner of my eye— RAT RAT RAT RAT RAT AAAAAAAAAA
[rustling, rapid thudding of footsteps]
3:10 pm:
2025 [whispering]: Okay, guys, you’re not going to believe this. This is insane. So in my, uh, very dignified and completely necessary flight from the rat, I stumbled down a fork in the path and found, uh, some people. There’s all these old people, just sitting on the ground with their backs to one of the lights, and they’re all just… staring at the wall? It’s kinda creepy, I’m not going to lie, but maybe they know how to get out of here? Let me just—
2025 [raised voice]: Hey! Uh, y’all? Could you maybe give me some directions?
[pause]
2025 [quieter]: Okay, that’s… really weird. They acted like they heard, but nobody turned around to look? Maybe if I get a little closer—
[footsteps]
UNKNOWN: No! Stay back!
2025: What?
UNKNOWN: Don’t disturb them! Come on, this way!
2025:.... Dr. Shelburne?
SHELBURNE: Hurry!
3:33 pm:
2025: —make sure we’re recording. Okay, I think we’re good. You can start explaining now, Dr. Shelburne.
SHELBURNE: Right. As I was saying, I haven’t seen the light of day since the Founder’s Day Convocation. They herded me out the side door of the Chapel and, well, it’s been downhill since then. Here I thought I never saw anyone around after retirement because they’d just gotten the hell out of dodge. Turns out, they’re all down here.
2025: You mean those old people…?
SHELBURNE: Yes. My former colleagues. They’ve been down here so long they’ve regressed to their natural state: attempting to recreate Plato’s allegory of the cave. I fear if I don’t escape soon, I’ll join them.
2025: Wow. That’s dark. So you’ve been down here that long and haven’t found a way out? It’s hopeless, then!
SHELBURNE: Well, actually, that’s the thing. I know they way out, I just lack the necessary resources. And, of course, there’s the question of the Beast.
2025:... There’s a Beast?
SHELBURNE: Yes.
2025: Is it the r—
SHELBURNE: It’s not the rat.
[pause]
SHELBURNE: A terrible creature with the body of a man and the head of a dog roams these tunnels, wrecking blind havoc. You’ll know him by his roar.
[roaring in the distance]
2025: You mean… like that?
SHELBURNE: It’s him! Here, take this, run! I’ll lead him away!
2025: aaaaaAAAAAA????
[sounds of running, screaming, and roaring]
4:07 pm
2025: Hey guys. I’m lost again. I don’t know what happened to Dr. Shelburne. He’s gone, and he took the beast with him. So I’ve been wandering. He gave me a key when he told me to run, and I’ve been trying to find something to open with it. Maybe it’s the key to the door that leads out? But I haven’t seen any doors. And it’s a really little key, too. I just… don’t know what I’m supposed to do. So I guess I’ll keep wandering until I find a door, or Dr. Shelburne. Or the Beast.
4:40 pm
2025: I think I heard…
[Indistinct roaring]
2025: Oh, no.
4:44 pm
2025 [barely audible whispering]: I think I’m safe now, but he’s still nearby. I found this room full of creepy statues, and I’m hiding here amongst them. I… I almost want the Beast to come closer, because I think I saw… there’s no way I saw what I thought I saw. It doesn’t make sense. But still. I need to check, because when he was chasing me, I swore—
[roaring]
2025: Oh, God. Here he comes.
4:51 pm
[rustling and thudding, audio is muffled]
2025: I was right. I can’t believe it. But I know what I saw. That’s not just any beast. It was wearing a maroon t-shirt. And those eyes… those piercing blue eyes…
[pause]
[heavy breathing]
2025: That’s not just any beast. That’s Skeeter.
5:03 pm
2025 [whispering]: I tracked him back to his lair. When he thought he lost me, he calmed down and started meandering along, dragging his right paw along the wall. I followed from a safe distance. He’s got a nest made of SGA t-shirts from, like, 2012. I thought he was going to sleep, but he’s doing something weird. Can you hear that?
[very faint sounds of scratching and thumping.]
[Intermittent howling]
2025: He’s scratching and tearing at his own face. And the howling just sounds so… sad. I wonder what’s wrong with him? Maybe he’s just itchy. All the scratching’s kicking up this huge cloud of dust, it’s kinda g-gross—
[loud sneeze]
[scratching and thumping stop]
[loud roar]
2025: No no no no no—
[roaring gets louder and closer]
[sounds of struggle and tussle, continuing for over a minute]
2025: No! Stop it, Skeeter! Bad dog! Leave me alone!
[sounds of struggle continue]
2025: Bad! Dog! Bad—
[loud thud]
[sounds of struggle stop abruptly]
2025: Oh my God, I decapitated Skeeter.
[Gasping, wheezing]
UNKNOWN: I’m free!
2025: Wait, what?
5:26 pm
2025: Hey guys. So I’m here with Skeeter, apparently.
SKEETER: I am Skeeter.
2025: Skeeter doesn’t remember his real name.
SKEETER: I've been down here for a very long time.
2025: And how did you get down here, Skeeter?
SKEETER: I mean, basically what you’d expect: I got stuck in the mascot head, freaked out a little, got lost. The visibility from inside that thing isn’t great.
2025: And you decided to attack anyone who crossed your path because…?
SKEETER: In my defense, I was very disoriented. Can you honestly say you wouldn’t have done the same in my position?
2025: Fair enough, I guess.
[pause]
2025: So, now me and my good buddy Skeeter are walking together. Trying to find the exit. I don’t suppose you know the way out, Skeeter?
SKEETER: Nope! Pretty much been wandering blindly with no purpose or direction for the past… how long has it been since Homecoming?
2025: Great. So now it’s just me, Skeeter, and this stupid tiny key against the endless tunnel.
SKEETER: Wait, you have a key? What’s it for?
2025: I don’t know. Dr. Shelburne gave it to me, so it must be important.
SKEETER: Let me see it.
[rustling]
SKEETER: Wait, I think I recognize that— it’s a golf cart key! Do you know how much ground we could cover driving instead of walking?
2025: Really? I guess I can see how it would be helpful, if we could find our way back to one of the carts. But everything’s so twisty-turny down here, I don't see how we could.
SKEETER: I mean, when I want to find something, I normally just follow the rats. Have you tried that?
2025: Why would I do that? And how would the rats know where the golf cart was, anyway?
SKEETER: Do you have a better idea?
2025: … No, I guess I don’t.
6:21 pm
2025: I can’t believe that worked.
SKEETER: See! What did I tell you? The rats are a vital part of the tunnel ecosystem. We’d be lost without them.
2025: We’re still lost with them, though.
SKEETER: Not as lost as we could be.
[rustling and clanking, an engine comes to life]
SKEETER: Sweet! It’s got a full tank. We can ride this baby for miles.
[sounds of driving]
2025: This is definitely better than walking, but there’s still a problem: we don’t know where we’re going. Unless you want to follow the rats out?
SKEETER: No, that would never work. The rats like it here, they have no motivation to leave. No, my plan was just to follow the right hand rule. It’s guaranteed to work eventually!It may just take a while, if this place is as big as it seems. Which is why it’s good that we can drive instead of walk.
2025: I don’t know. I just don’t feel good about it. The right hand rule is for solving mazes, but who says that this is a maze designed by human hands, and not some kind of interdimensional space with its own consciousness that shifts in response to our actions? Does the right hand rule account for that?
SKEETER: I mean, do you have a better idea?
2025:... I just don’t feel good about it. And I really don’t feel good about abandoning Dr. Shelburne.
SKEETER: Look, I already told you. A retiree like that, out here on his own? He’s dead meat. Even if we did find him, he’d probably just be sitting there staring at the wall, recreating the—
2025: Recreating the allegory of the cave, I know. But I think you’re underestimating him. And he said he knows the way out. I think he knows something about this tunnel we don’t. And I don’t think we’re making it out of here without him.
SKEETER: I don’t think we’re making it out of here if we waste gas looking for a defunct trek professor.
2025 [raised voice]: You take that back!
SKEETER [raised voice]: Look, I didn’t want to have to be so blunt, but you’re forcing my hand: Shelburne would just slow us down. I’m not convinced he actually knows the way, the whole situation probably just reminds him of something he read in Metamorphoses. He’d just talk our ears off lecturing about Keats. Or Yeats, whatever. They’re both irrelevant posers. And besides, I always thought the woodwork in the Jackson reading room was a bit gauche, anyway.
2025: You—!
[rhythmic thuds increasing in in volume, as if someone were approaching at a run]
SHELBURNE [panting]: Well, nobody ever accused you of having good taste.
2025: Dr. Shelburne!
6:49 pm:
[background sounds of golf cart driving]
2025: So you know the way out, right, Dr. Shelburne?
SHELBURNE: Indeed. I’ve known it practically since I got here, I was just missing the necessary resources— namely, this golf cart, which you two so helpfully located.
SKEETER: It was mostly me who found it.
2025: Nobody cares, Skeeter. So what do we do, Dr. Shelburne? Do we follow the right hand rule?
SHELBURNE: The right hand rule? On what planet would that work? That’s a maze-solving algorithm. We’re clearly in an interdimensional space with its own consciousness that shifts in response to our actions. No, our approach, while no less simple in theory, will be much more difficult in practice. You see, the tunnel can sense fear, and it preys upon the uncertainty of those who wander it. If you feel lost, you become lost. The key is to advance with such confidence and speed that there’s no room for doubt to come in. This is nearly impossible to accomplish on foot, of course. It’s dark, it smells weird, your legs get tired and your socks get wet. Whatever optimism you started with dies a painful death. No, this golf cart is the key to our escape. You look for a flicker of light, no matter how small, you aim the cart at it, and you floor it. We’ll advance at a breathtaking 13 miles per hour, and if I’m right, an opening will appear before us.
SKEETER: But if you’re wrong?
SHELBURNE: That doubt, Skeeter, is exactly why you can’t drive the cart. You’ve been here too long. The despair of the tunnels has started to eat away at whatever it is you have between your ears. With you in the driver’s seat, we’d hit a wall and splat. It can’t be me, either. I have to admit that the circumstances are starting to weigh upon me as well. I find myself staring off into the shadows… But never mind that. No, it’ll have to be you.
2025: Me?
SHELBURNE: Yes, you. You’ve only been down here for a matter of hours. The memory of the outside world is still fresh in your mind. If any of us have a chance, it’s you.
2025: But I don’t know how to drive!
SKEETER: Really? That’s your issue with this plan?
SHELBURNE: Do you have a better idea?
SKEETER: … You’ve got me there.
SHELBURNE: Come on. Let’s all take a few minutes more to rest, and then we’ll be off. Home in time for a late supper, right?
2025:... Right.
7:15 pm
2025: Hey guys. If all goes well, this should be my last vlog. They just taught me how to drive, and we’re about to do it.
[rustling, muffled chatter]
[engine roaring to life]
2025: Well, here goes nothing.
[sound of tires over concrete, with a whine that indicates acceleration]
SHELBURNE: See that? That light? Head towards it!
2025: Got it!
[driving noises continue]
SKEETER: Wait, is this actually working? I swear the light is actually getting closer.
SHELBURNE: Of course it’s working! Keep that doubt to yourself.
SKEETER: Sorry, I just— wait, what’s that?
SHELBURNE: What?
2025: RAT!!!
[tires squeal]
SKEETER: WHY DID YOU SWERVE AROUND THE RAT?
2025: IT STARTLED ME!
SHELBURNE: STAY FOCUSED ON THE LIGHT!
[unintelligible yelling continues]
[muffled sounds of struggle]
[strange dragging sound, like an iPhone sliding across the vinyl seat of a golf cart]
[a crash, like an iPhone hitting concrete]
[sounds of struggle, yelling, and driving fade grow more indistinct, fading to silence.]
End of recovered voice memos.
