Simulated College Experience for the Low Asking Price of $100K
Photo by Centenary College Marketing & Communication
Attention prospective Centenary students, we've got some out-of-this-world news for you! Inspired by the newest immersive experience on offer at Walt Disney World, the Galactic Starcruiser hotel, and, perhaps, in an attempt to help CRAB cover renovation costs for Mickle 2 and Hamilton Memorial Swimming Pool, President Holoman, Provost Soul, and Dean Miller have approved plans for a new and similar money-making venture (albeit without the aliens). For the incredibly generous cost of only three years' advance tuition, prospective students will be able to spend three days and two nights experiencing the Centenary College lifestyle!
Now, you may be wondering how the College plans to simulate the entirety of our varied and detailed lifestyles in only three short days? Fear not! Callie Fedd, Editor-in-Chief of The Conglomerate was able to escape her involuntary groundskeeping duties long enough to embark into the bowels of Sam Peters on a Rogue One-esque retrieval of their most current plans.
For their three days on campus, prospective students will be provided with almost IDs; almost IDs are just regular IDs, but the picture is hand-drawn by volunteer artists, and the numbers all have decimal points. These IDs will grant prospective students temporary access to the buildings (except when they don't) and cover nine meals from our lovely cafeteria (but chicken strips count as two); truly a keepsake for the ages!
Day One of this event will, allegedly, focus on simulating an authentic first-year experience by shoving students into already in-use college dorms with pre-assigned roommates at random. Note that all current students with singles, ghost roommates, or those that are simply sick of seeing dirty socks on their side of the room (BETHANY!) will need to report to admissions for corresponding paperwork.
Prospective students will also be given the opportunity to attend actual TREK classes, provided they can find them. In an effort at keeping things real, they will be given paper copies of the campus map, without colloquial names or the details on the difference between Kilpatrick and Smith, with class locations in the fine print of their signup paperwork and then moved at will. It will be up to the Prospectives to find their way in time to keep from earning their first of three tardies that automatically lead to elimination (NO REFUNDS!). Upon arriving at the proper location, they will then be responsible for leading the awkward small talk that occurs before the professor arrives (at which point they will then be asked to hand in the homework they did not know about or do). Of course, no college experience can be complete without the absolute fear of trying to figure out the midterms and finals schedule, which is why this program is scheduled to run exclusively during midterms and finals preparatory weeks in the fall and spring semesters.
Along with this academic trial run of fun, Day One will also feature a glimpse at the more event-oriented side of campus life by allowing prospective students to go and attempt to enjoy whatever event was already pre-planned for that week. Who says college tours aren't realistic and don't depict the realities of the student experience after the business office cashes the check?
Days Two and Three will not be discussed in this article, mainly because every attempt to transcribe the details of the masterplans causes my computer to autocorrect words to Latin and my left eye to feel as though it is being submerged in a vat of pollen. Though you have got to respect admissions doing whatever they can to ensure the best experience for potential buyers (...I mean students)!
Now, of course, just like at Disney World, our guests will have the option to participate only as much as they want to, with few consequences beyond the occasional professor reaching out to remind you that yes, six absences do result in you failing the course. Therefore, for the incredibly reasonable price of only five years' advance tuition (because we all know the average student stays for five), you can have the true introvert experience! Eat, Pray, Love? More like Eat, Sleep, Cry!
The few questions and light concerns raised on-campus so far: Res. Life has inquired if they will need to update training to account for these off-campus visitors. Professors would like to know if they will need to change their syllabi to include reasonable assignments for the prospective students and what would like to know what counts as valid reasons as to why they can not accommodate them. When confronted with these questions, Dean Miller responded with a resounding, “Not sure. Ask President Holoman.” When President Holoman was subsequently asked, the response given was a, “Hmmm, that seems more like a Dean Miller question--I’d ask him.” Provost Soul was too busy informing DPS that boat radar on top of their new Central Security Station (the top floor of the SUB and former student media offices) may be a liability waiver to comment.
While plans will likely be tweaked before we move forward with actually hosting students, promotional guides have already been distributed to admissions counselors with the estimation of starting the program in earnest in the spring of next year. We were able to get some early reactions from some high schools in the Caddo-Bossier Area, where responses seemed overwhelmingly positive. However, once it was clarified that, no this was not just the thing that the Drama Department does where they pair students with majors in the department to sit in on rehearsals and then spend the night, but a different experience worth the completely reasonable asking price, no high schooler could be reached for an official comment.
No current Centenary student could be reached for official comment, but, off the record, there are reports of those in the know making a truly absurd amount of behind-the-scenes “She doesn’t even go here!!" jokes. Well Centenary, if all goes to plan, hopefully, this program will have us all saying, “She doesn’t even go here, yet!”
