C.R.A.B. Looking to Hire 102 Extras from Centenary Faculty/Staff
The movie industry’s newest summer blockbuster is looking to film right here at Centenary. Incited by Shreveport’s renewed interest in film, culture, and providing excellent tax breaks—the city has been the site of some of indie’s greatest occult classics throughout the years…Vampires Suck (2010), Butter (2011), and Shark Night 3D (2011). With Centenary’s picturesque beauty—its riotous array of spring azaleas, sweeping oak trees, and broken water fountains—serving as the background for many a film.
Due to the excellent success of the mandatory landscaping service, the Committee to Renovate and Beautify (C.R.A.B.) has made the executive decision that it was time to reenter Centenary into the movie marketplace.
“The budget for Mickle 2 just isn’t where it needs to be, so it’s this or we take down Jackson Tent A. But then we’d be stuck with the issue of where to put all of those humanities people and we don’t want them messing up the new labs.”
Now, you may be wondering, what happened to the money from Reverend Lindy’s wedding services? Upon further reflection, it was decided that the money would be better spent on installing permanent outlets of Jared’s, David’s Bridal, and the joint law offices of McKernan, Bart, and Dewett (specializing in divorce and personal injury if things get nasty) in the Centenary Square Wedding Center. With an ever-expanding list of expenditures and a dwindling supply of money-making schemes, money’s tight at Centenary.
“We told everyone the last blackout was a city of Shreveport problem. In reality, we couldn’t pay the bill and SWEPCO shut us off early.”
Rushed by the constant pestering of Mickle 1.0 professors itching to move into their secondary offices, C.R.A.B. reached out to major motion picture studios Sony and MGM with location shots featuring the Arboretum 4WD Lot and Crumley Gardens Professorial Offices. However, they were sadly too late for Disney had already bought both corporations and limited the range of their cinematic products to superhero films. While it was suggested that Centenary could serve as the next backdrop for Avengers’ destruction—the idea was nixed in favor of a green screen. Therefore, left with no other recourse C.R.A.B. decided to move forward with producing the film themselves.
To be titled, The Great Left-Handed Leaving, or Snow-poca-lypse Gone Wrong, the film will either be a dramatic rendition of the year all of the left-handed people left Centenary, or a Wes Anderson style horror-comedy focused on the 2021 Snow-poca-lypse, depending on who wins in the writers’ room. If head writer, Dr. Jefferson Hendricks, had his way, the film would be a combination drama/horror/comedy of the Left-Handed Leaving AND the Snow-poca-lypse gone wrong.
Although the exact specifics of the film are still in negotiation, C.R.A.B. was able to move forward with hiring a director. They solicited applications, but because the script is still in the beginning phases, and because they have no money, they hired the first alum that would do it for $100 and a free t-shirt. When asked about her qualifications for the job Director Matthews had this to say, “No qualifications. But I have student loans and a degree in literary theory—I’ll learn on the fly.”
At the beginning of the month Matthews held open auditions for students. While they still had no script, or theme, they were able to begin casting multi-purpose extras who could play harried RA’s delivering pool water, or impaired lefties.
Students were able to audition on Tuesday from 11:50-1:00 on the second floor of the Smith Building in front of Matthews and C.R.A.B. committee members. Former theater child, Laura Catherine Moffitt, had this to say about the experience.
“It was really…strange. I walked in, prepared with a monologue from Batman and a song from West Side Story, and I get two minutes in when they tell me to stop.” Days later and Moffitt still looks bamboozled. “They asked how old I was, and then asked if I was sure that I was that old. Apparently, I look 12?”
Moffitt wasn’t the only one confused by the strange casting practices of Matthews and C.R.A.B. Mackenzie Newlan and Phoebe Cragon—both acting novices—decided to take the plunge and audition out of “boredom and a hint of masochism.”
“They told me that they didn’t think I’d make a believable college student, but that I could be a prospective student participating in the admissions simulacrum.”
“I get the impression that these people have no idea what 20-year-old looks like.”
Cragon’s impression seems to be correct as the last news from C.R.A.B. is the institution of an age range for actors looking to play extras. The last release from the C.R.A.B. Twitter:
“38-50 would be ideal, but they’d be willing to take 30 to 35 and 51 to 70 in a pinch. Riverdale set the new standard: 38’s the new 20 and 25 is the new 16. Tenured professors would be the perfect candidate for the insurance coverage, but part-time faculty would be acceptable if they’re willing to sign liability waivers and swear on Skeeter that they won’t sue.”
